I Now Understand

Hi friend,

It's been a while by date, but it feels just like yesterday! I've written a thousand things to say since then but nothing seemed quite right. The wait has really been a product of procrastination and perfectionism, the worst combination in the world. So I'll just tell you how I'm feeling, and about this roller coaster ride adventure I've been on for the last four months. If you have clicked on a few different exchange blogs you probably know that not many are updated frequently, and some are never touched for the entirety of the stay. I thought before I came, that I would NEVER be this way. Not me! I'm accountable! I manage my time well! I schedule my life down to planning naps two days in advance! Of course I will post regularly and keep all of you in the loop.

Except, it hasn't gone that way, has it? I can't change the past. And frankly, I wouldn't want to. Over the last few months I've truly learned the most amazing things. These may not be unique to me, and in fact I hope they aren't! I want everyone to know and experience this feeling. So, here are just some of the things I have to share with any future exchange students, and if YOU are on exchange right now let me know if we have anything in common. :)

THING NUMERO UNO

On your exchange, you very well may have some of the best days of your entire life. If you come to France, these might be the times you first enjoy a crepe or learn to travel the metro on your own. Even after standing on top of the Eiffel Tower you will have that dreamy feeling while just ordering a croissant in your village or understand a conversation you overhear from passerby. These moments will inspire and encourage the rest of you life, as you see the fragility and wonder of the world. Appreciate them immensely, life is not always so gentle when imparting wisdom.

DEUX POUR TU

As foreshadowed, keep in mind that the gloomy, lonely, or sad periods will visit you. They may last five minutes while listening to your Physique-Chimie prof drone on while you drool or they can cloud your eyes and keep you from happiness for days at a time. I never found a way to get out of these "funks" other than getting through them. Not giving up will be the hardest and most worthwhile accomplishment of your exchange. I recommend saving a playlist of happy songs and never being too proud to call your mom. (Disclaimer: this probably won't work for everyone) There will come a time when you no longer need her to pick you up while you're down.

Three 
(I feel a bit like I'm yelling when I type in capitalized letters. Let's stop that now.)

Between both the incredible and incredibly heavy days, you will have friends. These friends will surprise you. A lovely girl fueled by sharp wit (and at minimum conversational in five languages) is not who I expected to become the closest to while here, yet I don't know how I would have survived so long without her. On top of the people you meet in your school and city, maybe the best resources you will have are other exchangers. These other students have the ability to relate to you. Host family problems? We all go through them. English teacher can't speak English? I feel you. You've gained five kilos? Here have some more of my baguette. We can go for a run when get back to whatever country we came from. You don't know what a kilo even is? Join the America club. I promise you, there will always be another person who is going through the same thing. Be open to these kids, and they will hold you up and make you laugh for your entire stay. Whether it be 3, 4, 6, or 10 months. The length of your trip isn't the binding factor here, lifelong friendships can be forged over a weekend trip or a two week language camp! (Plus!! Bonus tip: The more international friends you make, the more travel opportunities your future holds! Reunion in Berlin? I'm down. Skiing in the Swiss Alps? Why not! Having your friends come visit you? Priceless.) 

La quatrième 

I can only write this one from the perspective of a girl with English as her first language. This is a warning. You will forget how to spell the word "maintenance." Along with about fifty others, and that is okay! We're the lucky generation that can use spellcheck on our personal statements and our text messages. When you go home, your first language will be there waiting for you! So say goodbye to it for now, and you will feel much less stressed when you can no longer build sentence structures like an architect. Turn your attention instead to the thousands of new words swirling around you in this new land.

The Last Thing

(The Most Important Thing for Now)

I've spent the last few months not entirely focused on France, as I try to plan my life post-exchange. I would be a senior in high school back in the US, so my college applications aren't waiting for me to come home. In fact, life at home has moved on without me. My old friends are getting ready for prom or stressing over their last chance to take the SAT. Our lives are so different right now, I can hardly recognize who I used to be. While studying abroad, your priorities might change. You as a person will most definitely change. This change is called growth, and you achieve it by working to stand on your own two legs in a foreign country where you at first find yourself utterly alone. This gift of a life built from scratch and of memories filled to the bursting with every emotion under the sun you now carry will sometimes be more than you can bear. Others won't always be willing to listen to your stories of self-discovery and adventure upon your return. Your life abroad may have to stay your life abroad, and growing from this is recognizing you can't bring it home with you.

Notes/Thoughts/Feelings/Extras/Etc;

I haven't gone home, yet. In fact I still have two months left, approximately. Already, I've done, seen, and eaten so many amazing things. I've learned independence doesn't need to come in the form of late nights out partying or taking advantage of newfound freedoms. Independence is learning to care for and to put yourself first. Selfishness isn't what I'm encouraging here. Simply knowing what is right for your own person and having the strength to say or do what you feel you should is enough. Recognizing that you are enough, and you don't have to change so the world will like you is the maturity might be the greatest knowledge you will gain on exchange. 

I have so many other little silly bits to say, but I'll save them for next time. I'm exhausted! Also fairly pleased my english is working this well. Hopefully I'll see you soon.

To the next,

Savannah Marie

An August of Ups (and Downs and Arounds)

As promised, I am here.

I will fill you in on my last 2 1/2 months here in the oh-so-lovely France. 

Let's back to the very beginning, the first few hours through the end of my first day with both feet on European ground. I am aware that may seem difficult to do, reach back into my memory that so recently has been on overdrive storing moments and scents and sounds from the foreign life. Luckily, while I sat in a strange, crowded airport near the international terminal waiting for the program coordinator to retrieve a Brazilian girl who would come to be my best friend within fourteen days, I had the foresight to write down my emotions. It is very good that I have this from my first day, for the contrast of my first morning to my first night is nearly comical. Here is the unedited essay straight from August 17th, Charles De Gaulle Airport of Paris:

Hello, My Name is...

Savannah Marie.

Maybe you remember me?

Somehow along the way, I forgot the words to say
"I'm doing fine, things are going well."
I was worried my empty eyes might betray
The homesickness and sadness France just couldn't expel

But, now sixty-three days have passed
The pain has lessened, time moves so fast
I've learned to smile, to dry my tears
I don't have time to waste away on fears

This poem is simple, for as some may know
Time without English, causes your mind to grow slow
To use big words, sentence structures, and display
Your strong sense of humor that once used to play
Tricks with verbs and adjectives alike
And yet now I can't remember whether there or their is right...

Please, though, don't get me wrong,
As Sylvia Plath once said, we usually write everything wrong
I'm exaggerating my sadness, undercutting the ways
In which my heart grew three times bigger one day
When I saw a friend that I feel I've known all my life
Because together we share, the most similar strife
The struggle of exchange isn't suffering alone
It is learning together, how to be grown.
Not every remark needs to said,
Some things can be seen with just the nod of the head
I promise you this, in my four months to come,
I will appreciate every single day, not just some.

Savannah Marie

p.s. a blog post to come, recapping the wonderful experiences I've had in the last two months and also some tips on how to exchange without succumbing to the strange :)

Leaps and Bounds (and Apologies)(and Host Families)

Hey stranger!

Firstly I'd like to apologize for abandoning you in my time of desperation. However, now that all is settled I find it safe to approach the subject again. I am going to France! In something like 71 days. I will be living in Veneux-Les-Sablons, an itsy bitsy town a few miles from Fountainbleau. (an hour from Paris!) I will live with a host family consisting of two parents and a 26 yro son. Also, they have a cat!! (Can anyone tell I am looking forward to the cat very much considering I will be leaving my doggy for six months) I'm not entirely positive on which high school I will be attending but I have reason to believe it is La Fayette, which is located in a nearby town on the Seine. (Thanks google maps). I am tremendously excited but I have lots to do this summer before I go! A trip back to the east coast to visit with friends and family in Virginia and North Carolina, and then a 15 day hike through the mountains and rivers of Georgia as a camp mentor. So this will be a busy summer! I'll barely have time to get my visa, get packed, and get on a plane to be there on the morning of August 17th!

Anyway, thanks for coming back after all this time...I am aware this is an incredibly short post for the amount of news I have to share and the time that has passed. But this is time-crunch writing! I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

Best,
Savannah

Realities

Hi friend,

It has been a few weeks since we last spoke. I suppose it is time for a catch-up. I'd like to be able to say "So far, so good." I can't. I have faced a few set backs recently that have made this journey appear insurmountable at times. The first stems from my current schooling arrangement. For any of you that do not know this, I am home schooled. This way of education is loaded with stigma. Many people do not understand this path to graduation and further learning. Due to this, many countries do not allow or accept home schooling. In France, home school is not a common occurrence. Anyway, in the end this means I may or may not be accepted into the program because of my lack of language study and other misunderstandings associated with home school. And this brings me to the second difficulty. I will have to attend a language immersion camp in France shortly before the beginning of my program.

The camp sounds like a great and helpful experience. I am sure to learn a ton in the two or three week stint I will spend there. However, this is an unexpected cost. A big one, in fact. Huge, really. If you are also another hopeful exchanger and you have no means of paying for this experience other than possible scholarships, your hard-earned money, or kindhearted donations then you might understand my dismay. I still have a ways to go to secure the money necessary for this exchange, and an added cost this large is far from a pleasant surprise.

When it came time to finish up my application a few weeks back, I had to schedule a physical. Which isn't a big deal, right? Wrong. Apparently my physician is so packed it took me three weeks to secure an appointment. I have finally gotten it out of the way just to turn around and find out I have to get another one for a different version of the application! AGH.

These troubles will seem small, I hope, when I finally board my plane to another complete set of difficulties. Anyway, I've been me and you've been you. It's been real.

Talk to you soon,
Savannah

My Response to those Forgotten

Hello again,

It seems we've been seeing a lot of each other, this blog and me. Anyway, I can't say either way if this reaction is unique to me, or if all of the hopeful exchangers feel it. That rush of sadness and nostalgia for an experience we have yet to live. I feel it in the pit of my stomach when I follow a link from the AFS study abroad blog list and I end up in a long forgotten, dusty memoir of an exchange long ended. I fear that in a blink of an eye, I too will be past all of the things I long for in this moment. How does it feel to live a dream? Is it magical? Does the ending leave you wanting more than you did before?

The way those blogs remind me of the passage of time, and my immediate instinct to exit it as quickly as possible for fear it might suck me into the past with a girl living her last week in Switzerland or a boy who never posted again after receiving his visa for Spain, it leaves me sad. It leaves me unbearably broken. Because they don't share the excitement I live in any longer. They have moved on. Each and every time it surprises me again. That someone could have been where I am in this second, and three years later not appreciate it. They are like abandoned buildings, empty train stations, crumpled love letters floating down the gutter. Their time is gone.

And then I find one that is still updated, where the returnee takes time to answer the hopefuls' questions. It gives me hope. Maybe I too can hold onto my passion and use it to support others in their journey, when the time comes. Just please, never let there be a day when I have lost my eagerness. Just some quick thoughts. Let me know your reaction when you stumble across a forgotten blog.

Best,
Savannah
(This was typed well before my previous post. Just found it buried in the graveyard of my drafts and thought to resurrect it.)

Hello Person Who is Here Maybe Hoping to Learn a Bit More About This Process or Just Here to be Lovingly Nosy,

It's been a busy week. I have made some big decisions and then finalized them with a very time consuming application which is only the first of many. I have applied for a fall semester 2014 program to France departing in August. If I had thought anything before now was stressful I was wrong. So very, very wrong. Everything before now has been Impossible Dreams and Big Expectations and Excitement. You believe you are going to go, and of course you are! Why wouldn't they want you? So what if you've only taken one year of French! You're incredible! 

Except, following this false confidence is the realization that you are among possibly hundreds of other students and bright minds with the same hope. You may very well not be accepted. And that's alright, too. This program isn't made for everyone and if you aren't accepted it's probably for the best. Those evaluating my application will form an opinion on whether or not I am capable of transplanting myself into another culture and family, and there is nothing I can do to shift that first impression from the second I send my application out into the world. So no matter what happens from here on out, I am going to work as hard as I can towards my goal. However, if it doesn't work out, I will survive. I will go on to college, I will live in my own home when my little sister takes her first steps, I will ride an entirely different wave of difficulties than I would in France. I am prepared for both.

This mind set in no way makes me doubtful of my own capability. I believe I am able to have this experience and make the best of it. I want this opportunity with everything I am.  I just also know that I will survive this with only minor bone-crushing, heart-breaking disappointment.

Anyway, for hopefuls, the (first) application isn't too rough. I completed it in its entirety in one week and was able to obtain all of my recommendations in a timely manner. The checklists are overwhelming at first, but with a systematic approach to completion, you can do it.

Best,
Savannah

P.S. If you are also another person looking to go abroad let me recommend something: Do Not Under Any Circumstance Wait To Mail Your Application Until The Very Last Day Possible. Trust me. If you do, you will probably end up chasing the mail truck and surprise, surprise they will not stop for you. So you'll end up having to borrow your mom's car and drive to the post office across town at the VERY MAXIMUM legal speed because it is 4:56 and BY GOD YOU ARE GOING TO GET IT INTO THE MAIL BY 5PM TODAY IF IT IS THE VERY LAST THING YOU DO ON THIS EARTH.

The Life vs The Adventure (A play-by-play?)

Hey you,

Do you know what I should do? Is a month on the shore of the Cote d'Azur comparable to six in the countryside? Is a shared dorm room as comfortable as a home? Once again I am faced with unexpected, blindsiding questions when my mom suddenly suggests a summer program. I am shocked, but I'm not disappointed. I'm not entirely sure why.. Maybe the fear I've been feeling about the exchange was more intense than I had previously allowed myself to believe. She won't pressure me into the sumer program, but I have to admit there are some pros to consider.

The pressures of college acceptance have been weighing me down recently. The summer program may well solve some of my worries by allowing me more time to devote to my applications. However, I'm home schooled so I don't have to worry about credits and the like. So I'd really been looking forward to getting back to a public school, even if it be one entirely foreign to those I have known. Three to eight weeks is hardly enough time to learn how to say hello in another language, let alone become fluent. Honestly, the pros and cons make a list that stretches farther than my eyes can see (Not saying much by my optometrist's standards). The only major concern I will voice right now, is the cost. Is it feasible to spend the same amount of money on an adventure barely spanning a summer or on the opportunity to build a life within a host community lasting five times longer. I will have far fewer chances to travel if I choose a year long program with a different foreign exchange program that is half the price of AFS, yet AFS has an abundance of excursions and weekend trips planned for their summer programs (Along with some culinary classes, which yes, my cooking skills sorely need).

These are all entirely valid concerns and as I had never ever considered a summer program before, they are a bit unsettling. The doubts I have due to my mom's simple suggestion have left me reeling. I am adaptable and prepared for either choice, yet they are so extremely different. It seems the closer I come to deadlines, the farther I go from answers. Anyway, I need to do some more research. I hope your concerns are fewer than mine.

Best,
Savannah

Where Oh Where Will My Little Feet Lead Me(sidenote; my feet are quite large actually.)

Hello you,

This is a very difficult and exciting time, which is a bit of an odd combination. My journey continues as I plan for the exchange approaching faster than I could ever have expected. With this adventure ahead, I face a time where I must make some huge decisions. I have never posted on this blog before out of fear, yet as I type these words I feel lighter. Sharing is a coping mechanism I turn to in times of GREAT need and I guess this fits the bill. See, if you aren't a foreign exchange student or another student going through the application process to become one, then you might not understand the tough choices coming up. This is the make-it or break-it time. I have to choose my "when, where, who, why" and that's a pretty scary notion when the last five years have been mere foreshadowings of my answers.

See in March 2013, I visited this country called France. Maybe you've heard of it? Yeah that one. I'd just turned sixteen and it had been My Dream to go on exchange since I was twelve and it seemed at the time it wouldn't work out due to costs and finding a host family and blah blah blah. So I "settled" (yeah, no, there was no settling involved, this was an incredible trip I will remember for the rest of my days and I am infinitely grateful to Aunt Rosie and Uncle Danny.) for a nine day trip across the Atlantic to visit my lovely Aunt and Uncle who lived in Versailles. My parents and I split the airplane ticket cost and then I was off. I landed in Paris before morning, and Aunt Rosie and I hit the ground running. I strolled through an echoing Notre Dame without another soul present. Nothing can compare, I promise you that. And the rest of my time is a blur. A magical, beautiful blur.  But that blur ended in slugging my suitcase into the back of my mom's car in the California heat and heading home. Home is such a funny word and it confuses my heart. Images flash through my mind of my hometown in North Carolina, of an elementary school in Virginia, of a cabin on a cruise ship to Bermuda, of a walking path in California, and finally a desk. My desk in my room in my house, surrounded by my immediate family in a town I've lived in barely a year. Yet somehow, the gardens of Versailles and the metro line speeding underneath Paris felt as familiar as every one of my "homes." I thought to myself on the day before I left, There is no possible way that I am leaving this place, nothing, no one can make me leave. And even as I sit here at my desk back in California, I know in my heart, that I haven't. I haven't left that time, that place, that untouchable feeling of being completely submerged in the unknown.

My difficult decision is whether or not France is the place I want to spend the first semester of my senior year. Will France feel the same as it did then? Or should I strike out for another country that shares my native language? Can Great Britain feel as remarkably foreign and familiar as France? I am not sure. I am not sure at all. I'm drowning in doubts, I'm buoyant with excitement, I'm not sure what I am at all. All I know is, I am ready to find out. I have a very short amount of time to make up my mind, and I'll let you know how it goes.

All the love my heart can spare,
Savannah